Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Uh Oh'Reilly: Bill Blows His Cover

Since Bill O'Reilly's looking out for me, I figure the least I can do is occasionally look back at him. Last night, as he interviewed the husband-wife team of NFL defensive back Jason Sehorn and actress Angie Harmon from Law and Order, O'Reilly's pride came before a fall, or at least a Freudian slip.

Talking about Sehorn's pigskin peers, Mr. O smugly asserted that most professional football players are Republicans because "they love me." The words were barely out of his mouth before he began explaining how he had misquoted himself. (The speed at which he retreated must've been impressive to Sehorn, who's made a living running backwards.) The smirk now gone, he said, "Of course, I'm not a Republican; I'm an independent." Right. I kept waiting for him to say, "And you, Ms. Harmon, are not the least bit attractive."

His defense was almost as effective as when I tell people I've never been drunk. Some think I'm lying. Others think I'm self-righteous. (Most think I'm both.)

It reminds me of a friend of mine whose father for many years strategically manipulated his extant wisps of hair into a follicular tapestry that my buddy and his sisters began calling "the flap." When the time came for an intervention and the kids suggested their dad cut what was left of his hair, he said, "I can't do that. I'd be bald," to which his progeny replied loudly and in unison, "Dad, you ARE bald!!!"

What was I even talking about. Oh, yes. O'Reilly. If a largely conservative audience makes a political commentator rich and famous, there's a pretty good chance said commentator shares similar views on most issues. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Yet only by accident will O'Reilly say it. So I will.

Bill, you're bald. And it's time for a haircut. Until then, there'll continue to be a really bad combover on top of your talking head.

2 comments:

Matt Elliott said...

I am in PAIN from laughing so hard...

jds said...

"...strategically manipulated his extant wisps of hair into a follicular tapestry..."

WOW, very impressive.

On another note, now I know what to get you for your birthday; keep your eye out for Factor Gear coming your way next year.

Jonathan