Thursday, June 17, 2004

Leaving No Oliver Stone Unturned


It finally hit me yesterday. How could I have missed it all these years? It took columns by "Molly Ivins" and "Cal Thomas" appearing on the same editorial page for me to wake up and smell the newspaper ink...hang on, I'm still smelling. Mmmmm...okay, here it is:

These two are the same person!

Can you honestly say you've ever seen these two in the same room? Of course you can't. It's actually quite clear after even a cursory examination of the evidence. Exchange Cal's carefully-lacquered coiff and cheesy 'stache for Ivins' eyeliner and Shaggy Doo and...ZOIKS!!! We might all need a Scooby snack after this revelation.

Even if you don't see the proof in the polaroid, check the fine print. Both use a poorly-disguised vehicle to spew their own personal, political venom: Thomas takes the religion route; Ivins prefers humor. And each, in a weird way, keeps the other in business. It's a schizophrenic he said/she said. (Or would that be I said/I said?)

If you're still not convinced, you need look no further than their noms de plume. Rearrange the names "Molly Ivins" and "Cal Thomas" and you get - what else? -

Mostly Macho Villains.

I rest my case. As the great Johnnie Cochran would say, "That'll be $10,000 an hour." Also, "If the names can be rearranged, they must be the same."

You don't need to thank me. Just know I'd have figured it out sooner if it hadn't-a been for these meddlin' kids...


Matt said...

Johnny Cochran is getting $10,000 an hour?!

I need to raise my rates.

B. S. Denton said...

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait -- Cal's the one with the cheesy 'stache?

Hot dog. I thought that was Molly Ivins -this whole time- . . . and I always secretly suspected that Cal Thomas was a woman.

I thank you for the hard-hitting expose.

Mike said...

You have a scary mind, amigo.

That's not to say you aren't right about this. Can you investigate Rush and Al Franken next?