Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Making Their Mao-ths Water

The Tiananmen Square massacre was worth it. Hooters has finally come to China. The Congressional Budget Office estimates the United States' two billion dollar trade deficit with the People's Republic will be erased by Monday.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Us, Weakly

Entertainment magazine editors face a difficult decision each week: should I do a feature story on Britney Spears' latest once-in-a-lifetime love or go ahead and kill myself now?

Here's how the bigwigs at Us Weekly adroitly laid out this week's cover:

*A 3/4-page picture of J-Lo declaring: "I'm ready to have a baby!" Choose one of my following two retorts -

a) Doesn't she have to get pregnant first?
b) The doctor doing the delivery room spanking shouldn't have a problem hitting his target. (Okay, I didn't just type that. That was my evil twin cousin, Andre.)

*Two inset boxes - one with a picture and caption, "Britney at home," and another screaming, "Nicky (Hilton) splits with hubby."

Say what you want, but those two have come up big for the owners who took them in Fantasy Dating Leagues. They've combined for three weddings, one annulment, and a divorce this year alone.

*And finally, in a touching tribute, Us Weekly editors scrapped a "Survivor" update to dedicate an entire eighth of an inch across the top of the cover to commemorate the death of Christopher Reeve, one of the few in Hollywood history to merit adulation and respect.

Good work, gang. Be sure and catch next week's edition featuring Mary Kate Olson and Calista Flockhart appearing on the spine of the magazine - between the staples - and election results in the News and Notes section on page 87.

Monday, October 18, 2004

And A Little Child Shall Read Them

On the way home from church yesterday, Andrew (age 8) asked if he could read some of the book of Revelation after lunch. As Amy and I looked at each other, I could tell we were thinking different things.

Amy: "Quit looking at me and keep your eyes on the road."

Me: "Where did we go wrong? He'd always been such a good boy."

I told him I couldn't think of a time when it wouldn't be okay to read the Bible. Maybe in the middle of the night, I offered, but Amy correctly jumped in to tell him if he ever woke up and felt like he needed to read the Bible that he should go ahead and do it. (This is one of roughly 2,017 reasons why it's always good to have Amy around.)

After lunch, as I settled in to an afternoon of deep meditation and inner reflection, highlighted by the constant clicking between two NFL games and the movie "Shallow Hal" on TBS, Andrew opened his purple NIV Reader's Version and began reading the last book of the Bible. Periodically, he'd come in to ask me a question about what he'd read or more often just to marvel at that apocalyptic vision John witnessed and wrote about in Scripture.

In fact, it's possible that Andrew reading Revelation while I watch anything involving Gwyneth Paltrow is itself a sign of the apocalypse.

Hang on, I'll ask him.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Last Shall Be First

The fact that I've flown so often that I can most often get upgraded into first class is bittersweet:

It means I've spent a significant amount of time away from my wife and children. To say I love them way more than anything I do on the road would suggest that it's even a debatable question.

On the other hand, I do get free drinks and a hot towel before meals.

So, you know.

By the way, next time you board a plane and make your way to the coach section, sneak a peek at those elite passengers. There's a look in their eyes that seems to say, "You poor, pathetic loser. Get outta my face and get back to the cattle car where you belong." Either that or they're asleep with their eyes open.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

From The Editor

Because neither of us have enough to do, I've created a brand new blog, Poll Position, that will focus exclusively on politics. I didn't think it was fair to bury important stories like a football player pooping in a woman's laundry basket beneath political pablum and discussing who will be the next leader of the free world.

I hope you'll visit and make comments at Poll Position and continue to remind me just how important what I have to say really is.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Dirty Laundry

Sorry for the recent spate of lavatorial subject matter, but...

After hitting the laundry basket, you knew sooner or later this would hit the fan.

Wouldn't this guy be a better fit with the Browns?