Thursday, October 21, 2004

Us, Weakly

Entertainment magazine editors face a difficult decision each week: should I do a feature story on Britney Spears' latest once-in-a-lifetime love or go ahead and kill myself now?

Here's how the bigwigs at Us Weekly adroitly laid out this week's cover:

*A 3/4-page picture of J-Lo declaring: "I'm ready to have a baby!" Choose one of my following two retorts -

a) Doesn't she have to get pregnant first?
b) The doctor doing the delivery room spanking shouldn't have a problem hitting his target. (Okay, I didn't just type that. That was my evil twin cousin, Andre.)

*Two inset boxes - one with a picture and caption, "Britney at home," and another screaming, "Nicky (Hilton) splits with hubby."

Say what you want, but those two have come up big for the owners who took them in Fantasy Dating Leagues. They've combined for three weddings, one annulment, and a divorce this year alone.

*And finally, in a touching tribute, Us Weekly editors scrapped a "Survivor" update to dedicate an entire eighth of an inch across the top of the cover to commemorate the death of Christopher Reeve, one of the few in Hollywood history to merit adulation and respect.

Good work, gang. Be sure and catch next week's edition featuring Mary Kate Olson and Calista Flockhart appearing on the spine of the magazine - between the staples - and election results in the News and Notes section on page 87.


Joel said...

The Spine comment was an instant Blog Classic! Totally Amazing!

Keep up the crass work!

Never one to mince words about one who in never one to mince words.

Clarissa said...

FYI, spanking immediately after birth is no longer routine thanks to LeBoyer. Not to say it's never done, but it's much rarer than it useta be.

Brandon Scott Thomas said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I loved this. Quile was right about the spine thing. CLASSIC! Boone--thanks for coming Saturday. I ahte that we didn't get to even have one meaningful conversation. It was fun getting to see your family though. Your sons are getting so big and your daughter is just getting more and more beautiful! It was great seeing you.