I keep waking up hoping to discover everything I've seen on TV the last seven days was a dream, like the ones where I'm in a musical and don't know any of the songs (as if that would be the only obstacle to my being in a musical) or where I'm sitting in a radio control room ready to read a sportscast, only to realize I have no copy so I make it up. (Many who used to listen me in real life had the suspicion I was doing just that.)
And I must admit some of what I've witnessed is no less weird than the stuff of my dreams. Fats Domino alights at the home of LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell? What?! The Fats Domino? He hasn't been dead for like 30 years? How have I not known he's been alive all this time? And how does he not have his own reality show? This sounds exactly like one of my sportscasting nightmares...
"With the latest sports, I'm Grant Boone. The LSU Tigers moved their game to Blueberry Hill today where quarterback JaMarcus Russell - usually called on to pass - found his thrill when he caught pop music legend Fats Domino...
...also I'm not wearing pants."
That surreal moment was topped only by Fox News reporter Molly Henneberg's interview Sunday night with Baton Rouge Mayor Kip Holden.
Henneberg: "I understand you have a VIP coming here to Baton Rouge tomorrow!"
Holden: "Yes, John Travolta will be here to help with some of the relief efforts..."
Henneberg, interrupting: "No, I meant the big visitor..."
Holden, realizing his mistake: "Oh, I'm sorry, Oprah's coming to do a show..."
Almost defeated, Henneberg: "Isn't the President coming tomorrow?"
Holden: "You're right, yes, Mr. Bush will be here..."
Hey, who's W compared to Vinnie Barbarino?
Here's hoping those left in the wake of Katrina and the Waves have sweet dreams tonight.
You've heard it a million times, but the old cliche is worth repeating: "Never relieve yourself in a friend's backyard unless you're sure he still lives there."
I don't know about you, but there is enough stress in my life without my electronic gas pump admonishing me to "Remove Card Quickly." Is it really that desperate?
I congratulate the creator of the automated hand dryer, but give me paper towels any ol' day. Except for the revolving cloth diaper gizmo. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.
I know what you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes: I do get a little teary whenever I hear "House at Pooh Corner" by Loggins & Messina.
Saw where the turf at Fenway Park was torn up by a recent Rolling Stones concert. Shouldn't we expect large quantities of grass to be consumed at such events?
Finally, I think some people take too seriously the metaphor of the church as a body. I met a guy Sunday whose behavior bore an unmistakable resemblance to a certain gluteal part of the anatomy. Ain't that a shame?